Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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