you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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