I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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