I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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