this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I wish you could order shots online.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i now understand why vodka
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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