My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
