I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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