pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
