Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
