why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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