sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
