my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
