im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
