remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
