did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
