You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
