is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
