Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She told me I should be a condom model.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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