He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
