he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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