Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
