She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
