I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize