I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Someone came in the potted fern
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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