Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need to sanitize my soul.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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