Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize