So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize