Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
