so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
