Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
