By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
