And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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