gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize