Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
