Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just gift wrapped bread.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
