im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
