he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
