he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
