I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
