She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
