i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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