Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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