If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
