If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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