i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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