Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
