I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize