The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
two words: eviction party
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
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