My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
