I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
