rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
