Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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