i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
