I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
