Someone shit on the floor
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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