Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You are the jesus of drinking
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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