I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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